As the sky looms cloudy and grey in San Diego, I’m relating to a false sense of urgency within me that I’ve come to know intimately over the last few years in my embodiment journey.
This felt-sense of speed and scarcity is a product of being socialized within capitalism where it feels unsafe if I’m not constantly producing and working.
I’m relating this urgency to the timeline and progress of the consensual culture fundraiser, and how this process is feeling like a slow cooker of possibility that I refuse to rush for the sake of hitting financial goals.
At the same time, I’m grappling with the validity of have my resources sustained, lifestyle needs met, and bills paid. I tend to struggle to maintain a healthy and consistent relationship to resources inside a culture that tells me my needs don’t matter.
I notice self-blaming-
“Why didn’t I do more? Push harder, show up more often?”
“This is my fault, I didn’t ask for what I needed soon enough.”
“I’m stuck in this pattern around money that I can’t seem to break.”
I feel frustrated, sad, annoyed and scared, all at the same time.
As someone who experienced neglect as a kid, unsurprisingly due to parents prioritizing work over care, asking for help is already hard enough. Within the hyper-individual, scarcity-driven, exploitative dominant culture we live within, there’s no wonder I feel stuck.
The wisdom of consensual culture is that it invites me to sloooooow down, even more than I can sometimes reckon with.
In honoring the process of letting things ripe in its own time, I’m creating avenues for my body to rest and receive, and the spaciousness to be able to sense for my true and authentic yes or no.
Rather than overriding my instincts and impulses, rather than over-giving out of fear and scarcity, rather than rushing to prove myself- I’m moving at the speed of my integrity and capacity.
It requires that I trust in the timing and pacing of how this body of work wants to be birthed.
It is vital that I turn to abolishing the system of capitalism and its conditions, rather than internalizing my own human limitations as fault and failure.
It asks that I embody the values we offer as a framework of relating to one another and allow it to be my lens; interdependence, inter-sovereignty, integrity, co-creation and compassion.
Interdependence asks that I get honest about what consensual culture needs to grow (time and space, teamwork, relational alchemy), and what I need as the vessel bringing it into the world.
Inter-sovereignty means that I have a steady pulse on the limits, capacities and boundaries of consensual culture and its growth. No forcing, no overriding.
Integrity is my capacity to not only speak of our values but to shamelessly put them into practice; to be unapologetic about being consensual.
Co-creation teaches me that my experience isn’t an isolated one, and that capitalism exists not only in spreadsheets and burnout, but inside of how I’m relating to my own worthiness and creativity. We are not exempt even outside of our 9-5.
Compassion– well, this is a must.
I write this to you both as a confessional and a call-to-action.
The truth is, I don’t quite yet know the balance between how often and how much I must show up for my work and, not overriding the integrity of my present moment to moment capacities.
Maybe there isn’t balance, only choices that we continue to make consciously or unconsciously.
I’m landing inside the need to have structured boundaries so that my creative capacity and receptivity of resources can grow. I sense the relationship between interdependence and inter-sovereignty living within it.
So here I am. Allowing my creative capacity to grow through writing to you, and inviting in the support I need to offer consensual culture to the world.
If you have the means, and you see the value in consensual culture coming to life, do donate to our fundraiser and support us!
Reflection questions, if you like those–
How do you relate to capitalism?
Where does it show up within you?
What does it teach you about your neediness and worthiness?
What new narratives are you ready to write about your neediness and worthiness?
What does your body need to bring these narratives to life?